In 2006 I gave up Church and my Christian beliefs for Lent.  I had become completely disillusioned with and cynical towards the belief system in which I was raised.  A system I had fully embraced — to the point of serving as an assistant pastor in a congregation.   For Lent that year, I embarked on the most significant journey of my lifetime to date.  I lay aside my religious beliefs in order to pursue an objective, unbiased assessment of my faith’s assertions, how they resonated with me personally, what really mattered to me, and what others believed about God, Life, Spirit, Love and Light.

Almost immediately, I became fascinated — like a kid in the candy store — exploring the vast variance within Christianity.  Who knew?!  I certainly had no idea that there were so many Christian perspectives (although opposing groups might nullify the Christian identity claims of each other) on things like, nature and origin of man, sin, heaven and hell, afterlife, salvation, authority of Scripture, deity of Christ and the list goes on.  Who knew!?  I absolutely did not.  Though I was very well versed in opposing sides of certain arguments, the concept of essential Christian doctrine was well ingrained.  I thought, for sure, that nearly all Christians agreed about 85% on those – with a few nuances.  Much to my surprise — there are those who identify as Christians (and in my book are Christians – because who the hell am I to say otherwise) who differ vastly on these so-called essentials.

That realization got the wheels to turning.  The book A Generous Orthodoxy was key to helping me see the variance and begin to feel safe asking broader questions – like, what validity, resonance, or, dare I say it — truth would I find, should I pan out further — beyond what the variance in Christian thought.  What conclusions have other cultures drawn about Life and God and the Universe and why we’re all here in the first place?

It wasn’t long before I began to see the world’s religions as 5 blind people with their hands on different parts of a elephant, searching for words to describe what they noticed through the senses available to them.  It was then that I respected and stood in awe of the many, many ways humans have tried for millennia to describe the Great Mystery that is instantly diminished with the first word.

As I began to study the sacred texts of eastern philosophies and try out some of the spiritual practices of the East — yoga, meditation, mindfulness — I reconnected with a familiar voice.  My own.  That still quite voice within that has always guided me, always sounded like me (only wiser and more loving than I imagined myself to be) has had many names. I called it the voice of God, my Inner Voice, my higher self.  No matter then name, it’s the same voice I’ve always known.  It’s the same voice that I write in in my journals when answers to my questions come flooding into my soul.

But I had become disconnected from this voice.  You see, there were countless times, when I called “the voice within” God, that the voice said things I had trouble believing that the God-I-Knew (through church) would say or — better than “said” things — guided me down paths inconsistent with what I had conceived to be God’s ways.  “God wouldn’t say that’s OK, the Bible says it’s not!”  These moments happened more and more frequently and I, as a result, shut down that voice.  I disbelieved, mistrusted, and dismissed it as “just me”.

As I practiced stillness and quiet, the voice began to speak to me again.  I embraced it.  I listened and was encouraged in my journey.  I was encouraged to open my eyes wide and to expect surprises, to expect to have my questions answered, to expect find what I was looking for.

I have been surprised and delighted along this journey.  One surprising delight was a soul I encountered through this blog.  He encouraged me in my journey, availed himself to me to ask questions and to provide guidance.  More than anything, he encouraged me to seek my truth, to hold on to what is true for me and to remember what I already know.  He also introduced me to another book, Conversations with God.

I bought the book weeks, I think, before I ever read it.  When I opened it to start reading, I read about how the book came to be.  It was a conversation one man had with one he calls God over several years.  He asked questions, answers came to him, he wrote them down.  I was familiar with this process.  I knew it well.  I suspect many writers know it well.  I valued the process, without having a clue about the content.  After getting through the Forward and the Introduction, I got to the dialog.  I read.  Maybe 2 pages.  I slammed the book shut and tears streamed down my face.  Tears turned to sobs.  I knew this voice.  I knew it well.  This was the voice I’d shut down.  The one that told me things I couldn’t imagine coming from God.  The God-voice in CwG was what I’ve always known, who I’ve always known God to be.

To say that the God-voice in CwG goes against the grain is an understatement — but it resonated with me like nothing I’ve ever read in my life.  Many concepts I found difficult to understand or even buy — but more of it encouraged me that I was on the right path.  That I was finding my truth. That my journey, this process would be worthwhile — and, in fact, is what it’s all been about all along.

My studies and explorations have led me to encounter many kindred spirits.  One of the sweetest is that of my yoga teacher who teaches class in the sanctuary of a Christian church.  The irony, the sweet serendipity in those two spaces colliding began to melt my cynicism about Christianity.  In that sacred, holy space — I connected with that which was most sacred and holy — myself.  I began to experience me as part of All that Is.  I began to understand what Christ meant when he said that he and his Father were one — just like you and I are one.  Just like we are All one.

And the lines blurred.  There were fewer and fewer contradictions and points of conflicts among belief systems for me.  More and more I could see how many different ways man has been trying to say the same thing and be understood albeit in different languages.  I became an interpreter unto myself – translating the language of the Tao te Ching into the language of the New Testament into the language of Yoga Sutras of the Patanjali. And I encountered other interpreters as well, like Thich Nhat Hanh and his Living Buddha, Living Christ.

In January, I set the intention to find community among like minds.  Within a week I found my local Unitarian Universalist congregation.  I have been attending services when I can since the beginning of the year.  In this space, no one asks you what you believe, but rather members are encouraged to courageously pursue truth and understanding.  There are earth-honoring services and activities, Buddhist meditations, drumming circles, and yes, even Easter and Passover observances.  The sacred text is the body of world literature.  It is the creed-less faith, but the principles resonate with that which matters most to me in this world — with all that matters anyway — Love.

This past Sunday, the congregation reflected on its commitment to social justice.  After recounting the denomination’s historical commitment to human rights, service, community education and organizing, advocacy and the like, the lay speaker outlined this local body’ commitment to social action. And then the question was posed to the congregation — What are you passionate about?  What matters to you?

You never could have convinced me before I left home that I’d be doing what I found myself doing in the following moments.  I raised my hand and took the mic.  I introduced myself and talked about how, as an assistant pastor of a small non-denominational church, I was confronted with woeful reality of the prevalence of violence against women and the faith community’s silence, supporting doctrines, and perpetration of it.  I told them that I became committed to anti-violence against women’s work and have made it my profession and the volunteer work to which I lend my hand.  I also told them of the ways the church’s anti-homosexual teachings and practices have harmed me personally as I watched them harm people I love, and why I am the staunch ally to the GLBT community that I am.

Others spoke after me about the causes that mattered most to them.  And then Matt stood up.  Matt is a gay man and father of a son whom he raises with his partner.  He spoke of the challenges his family faces and said that nothing touches him more deeply than for a straight person to take a stand and say, this is wrong.  Matt hugged and thanked me after service — and I thanked him.  I thanked him for the opportunity to love and be loved.  It’s what this is all about.

In 2006, I gave up church for Lent.  This year, I will be ending my 3 year Lenten fast by attending service on Easter Sunday.  I will be observing Easter and Passover with a group of people who don’t necessarily identify with the faiths either of these observances represent — but who recognize the value of the message of them.  I am finally able to look at Christianity with new eyes — eyes that don’t see and criticize what I find problematic.  I am finally able to afford Christians the same liberty I afford all other religions — the freedom to answer life’s questions in their own way.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve come full circle.  I will say that I have evolved.  I can embrace the Christ and that in me.  I can embrace the Buddha and that in me.  I can embrace the Spring and that in me.  I can embrace the Light and that in me.  And All of That — All That Is — in You.

Namaste.

Hello, there!

This has been quite a long journey and quite a long time since I’ve written anything here.  I have been intimidated about updating the blog because, somehow, I feel like I need to update my journey from the time of the last post.  The thought of that is daunting, so I avoid it.  I think I’ll just pick up from where I am now and add some flashbacks here and there that may explain the ride.

Today isn’t a great day though.  I’ve been pretty overwhelmed by a family situation and I don’t feel like digging deep into my spiritual belief development (or devolution, whichever).  I will say this.  Today, I am really feeling the need to confront the issue of prayer.

I don’t really pray much these days — at least not in the sense that I once conceived of the word.  I meditate more than I ever have and I have conversations with that voice within that has always been my Guide, even when I called it Jesus.  It’s still the same voice now, which I interchangeably acknowledge as God or my highest Self, the Source, Love, All that Is.  The difference is that I don’t spend time asking (praying for) things to be different, given to me, changed etc.  I take responsibility for creating my own reality in that sense.  But when it comes to other people, I don’t know what to do.  I’m still figuring that out.  I really don’t pray for other people — but I’m feeling the need or desire to right about now.

Still sorting it all out. Obviously.

This post is re-posted from my other blog, On Second Thought…

I’ve been away way too long. Sorry about that guys. Here’ what I’ve been up to:

• Bellydancing
• Samba
• Hand dancing
• Salsa
• Yoga
• Chiropractic
• Work (too many hours)
• Trying to fine tune my whole foods lifestyle
• Trying to adjust to Katrice and Kwesi abandoning me

So let’s take it from the top. After my dad got sick my workout schedule took a nosedive. Instead of going straight to the gym from work, I would go to the hospital to see him. Two weeks off is enough to kill any routine I have established. I am not a creature of habit. It takes time for me to develop a routine. I have to be very intentional about it for it to take hold. If I get off track, it’s hard for me to get back on track. Now, I enjoy weight lifting and jogging when it’s nice outside. I like the way they make me feel but I wouldn’t exactly say that I love it. It feels like work. It feels like something extra that I need to do to be healthy, but not like something I love to do that just happens to be a healthy part of my life. So I decided that I need to find a way to get exercise in a way that is less of something else on my “to do” list and more something on my “I can’t wait to do” list –hence, bellydancing, samba, yoga, salsa and hand dancing. And would you believe that I found a place where I can do them all at the same place? I know!!! Me either!!! So, I’m thrilled about my little home-away-from home studio. It’s a place that teaches a holistic, naturopathic approach to caring for oneself. It teaches the ancient healing benefits of the different dances and disciplines and encourages a healthy, whole foods lifestyle. It’s a place where one can pursue the mind, body, spirit connection with like-minded people who are, by the way, working out and having a good time. Yay!!! I spend lots of time there and get really annoyed when I have to work late and miss my classes. Which brings me to the next thing I’ve been up to.

Work. One morning at about 3am, while sitting on my couch still working, I realized that at some point I lost my boundary concerning home and work. I have notoriously managed this boundary very well. If I need to stay a little later or get in a little earlier to get things done, I’ll do that, but home is supposed to be my sacred space. No work here!! I lost sight of that recently and I need to find my way back to prioritizing my life appropriately. The thing is I enjoy my job and don’t mind doing the things I was working on, I just need to keep it out of my sacred space. I’ll figure it out in the coming weeks…with help. I’ll tell you about that soon.

Chiropractic. I never really thought of my chiropractor and massage therapist as holistic healers until this weekend. I noticed that western medicine isn’t big on referring people to chiropractors or massage therapists. They rather send you to physical therapy. I’ve concluded that taking care of my body is more than considering it in isolation from the rest of me and therefore I choose to exhaust alternative medicine before I turn to my physician. I’ve been having crazy neck and shoulder pain. I know it’s stress and the position of my monitor and spending too much time working and using my laptop on my couch and all this other dumb stuff I’m doing to myself. But I needed it fixed. I had options. I went to my massage therapist first. 90 minutes of pure ecstasy, I tell you. I could have married that woman! I felt like she worked out a lot of the tension, but quickly realized that I was just out of alignment. Off to the chiropractor and when I tell you I almost kissed that man when he hammered my little neck vertebrae back where they belong I am not kidding you. I don’t know how long I was out of alignment, but my weekend was so much better having had things put back where they belong. I still have major neck problems that will take 3 months of aggressive treatment to fix, but I’m good for now. Unfortunately, my freaking commute to work makes it almost impossible for me to take the time I need to go get fixed. My work and chiropractor’s hours are not compatible and my chiropractor is about 20 miles from work (which in DC traffic time means 1 hour away). Even when I tried to schedule appointments this week I had to cancel because of last minute meetings. I’ve got to figure this out. Don’t fuss at me. I’ll get it together.

My whole foods lifestyle. Trader Joe’s has finally moved to my neighborhood!!! My local organic market is as expensive as, if not more expensive than, Whole Foods. I was so glad to see TJ’s open up just up the road. I could stop by the TJ’s close to my old job on the way home from work, but now I don’t come near the place. I bought groceries this weekend and got double the stuff I can get at my local organic spot for half the price. I can’t get everything I need at TJ’s, but I’m saving money so that I can finance my dance habit. Good stuff!! I have had some ups and downs with trying to eat well. I still haven’t touched fast food or meat in 5 months, but football season has had me jonesing hard for chips and dip and beer on Sunday afternoons at 1pm. I’d make a meal of it, I tell you. I’m over it though. I think.

And last but not least, Katrice and Kwesi have moved to Texas. I was such a wuss that I left a note on their car to say goodbye. I couldn’t bear doing it face to face. Well, they showed me. They conveniently didn’t leave while I was at work that day. I got home from work just in time to watch them pack the last things in the car and drive away….all the way across the country. I still look for their cars when I come home from work. It sucks. BUT, I’m going to see them December 6-9, for the 1st Annual Corny Convention in Dallas. I can’t wait. I miss them already.

And, since this post isn’t as long as I thought it would be , I’ll tell you about figuring things out in the coming weeks with help. My new theme for self is, “when I know better, I do better”. I am learning a lot about other cultures, spiritual disciplines and ways of life through my quest to re-evaluate my belief system. In the process I have learned a lot of things that make more sense to me and feel more right for me than the norms of the culture to which I was born. I came across this passage in a book I am reading. It says it best:

We are all subjects–and victims–of our time and our perspective in history. Truth, or our perception of it, is a function of our limited, culture-bound understanding and is often as fluid as a change in custom…The best we can hope to do is rise above our culture as much as possible to see our biases, challenge them, and willingly allow our view of the world to shatter as our biases knuckle under the blows of scrutiny.

This is what this blog has always been about. I am re-thinking everything at once. It is so exciting and fun. I feel free of the guilt that came with shaking off the norms of the Christian community that guided my life for so long and now I feel like I can judge each new idea on it’s own merits. It has taken some time for the “Christian voice” in my heard to quiet so that I can think through some of these new ideas. But I’m far enough away from that voice now that I can evaluate new things for what they are and not what Christians say they are. Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense to me. I may need to rework that sentence when I edit. Anyway, I’ve hired a holistic health consultant to help me articulate my goals for this journey, create a plan to meet those goals and to teach me more about my body and the foods, drinks, etc. that are best for my optimal health (mind, body and spirit). It should be fun. I start on the 13th. I’ll let you know how it goes. I might be writing about all of that more on Fine Tuning, but who knows. The more I see the connections between mind, body and spirit, the less I see a need for 3 blogs. I’m realizing that I can’t separate these things as neatly as I once thought. I’m considering a merge. Who knows? We’ll see. Maybe I’ll just feed content between the blogs when it’s relevant.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. I’ll be catching up with you guys soon.

Any thoughts on any of this stuff? What do you think about that quote?

Boy! That last post was full of thoughts. I haven’t really given this issue that much thought the last couple of months.

A friend said to me the other day, “Lex, there is nothing better than going to service at 9am and being out by 10am.” I said, “Oh, YES there IS!!” And we both died laughing. Of course because in my mind, not going at all is even better. He was good about it though and then said that he wishes he could skip church without the guilt. I avoided stepping on my soapbox and rambling on about why he would feel guilt about that anyway and simply put it like this… I don’t feel guilty because I have made a choice. I’m not ‘not doing what I know I should be doing’. I have made a conscious decision not to attend church and there’s no guilt at all in me for that.

He’s one of the people that set me off on one of my previous rants on this blog, by the way. We hung out last weekend and it was great. He admitted that he needed to come to terms with the fact that he had me on a pedestal and that once he decided to let me down and allow me to be human, he could better handle where I am right now. That’s a friend, my friend! I have great ones.

Well, I don’t know that I’m any further along this journey than the last time I posted. I am sure that I don’t think I’ll be going back to church any time soon. That hasn’t shaken my faith in God, though and I think that’s awesome. You know, its summer and I spend so much more time outside now that I’m working out (checkout my fitness blog Fine Tuning) and feeling really close to God. I don’t think I have been able to articulate well how connected I feel to the Creator in nature. I’ll work on putting it into words. It’s my communion with him right now and that’s working for me.

I bid you peace!

This month has been pretty interesting with respect to this journey. Easter came and went and I didn’t even really notice, except that my mom asked me if I was going to dinner at Granny’s. That usually means a major holiday is on the horizon. Then I considered appealing to my boss that we should be allowed to leave work early on Good Friday since it was an important day to Christians and all. I decided that I couldn’t effectively pull that one off, as she knows where I am in terms of re-evaluating my belief system as much as anyone who’s in contact with me these days.

I have had quite a few interesting conversations with people about religion and what they believe. One such conversation was with someone I know who considers herself Pagan. She is an atheistic Pagan (as I have learned that there is great diversity among Pagans). This conversation led me to put feet to my notion that I was in the process of learning about other religions. I’ve been saying that that was something I’ve been working on in this journey, but the truth is that I bought a couple of books and I haven’t really read them yet, or done much else for that matter. In the middle of my conversation with her I googled “Unitarian Universalism“. I figured this would be my best shot at a one stop shop to learn a little about a variety of different belief systems and thereby compare them to my own to evaluate what I really hold to and what I’m not so sure about. It seemed like a safe enough place to question my own Christian beliefs, even if I don’t agree with the beliefs of the others around me. I decided to give them a try.

The service felt just like church. The congregation I went to was rather traditional in that the place looked like a church, there was a minister and a choir and song books…you know, like church. The Sunday I went was a special music service, so basically the choir was in charge of the whole shebang. They sang songs from different traditions and the choir director gave the historical context for each song, as well as the spiritual components that each song highlighted. I think most of the songs were Christian, as I knew a whole bunch of them. One was an African-American spiritual. I remember there was one from Costa Rica; I think it was from an earth-based tradition. There were a couple that weren’t in English, one in particular was from an African tradition. There were interesting concepts in each of them and the connection between them was the concept of Spirit.

I didn’t exactly know what to make of it when I left and I’m not sure I know now. I don’t know that I want to be a Unitarian Universalist, but I do want to be in that space right now while I work through my own theology. (Yes, I am sure that it is a theology, because I am certain that I believe in God.) I need to be around people who have their own beliefs, but aren’t dogmatic about them. Dogmatism annoys me, especially among Christians who keep saying the same things over and over again that I already know. I know what Christians believe. I know the spectrum of Christian beliefs. My journey at the moment is to decide which (if any) of them I believe.

Belief systems are inherited. We aren’t born with one, it is shaped for us from our environment–our families, friends, those things to which we are exposed. I am certain that I became Christian because I was raised by Christians. I would have been Buddhist had I been raised by Buddhists. Anyone raised to believe that their belief system is “the truth” to the exclusion of all else will accept that teaching as true. I think I’m a late bloomer with regard to questioning that reality, and I believe it’s largely because of exposure. I’ve always been around Christians. I’ve never spent any time getting to know anyone who holds to fundamentally different beliefs, who has a different idea of what truth is. I’m getting to know those people now, and while I’ve heard plenty of things that I am sure I don’t and can’t believe, I know it is a necessary and responsible exercise for me at the moment.

I offer this example. In my process of de-constructing my Christian beliefs, I am stuck at evaluating what I believe about the person of Christ. At the moment I am caught up on the doctrine of the Virgin Birth. It has always been a pretty incredible (in the unbelievable sense) part of the story for me. I have a difficult time believing it, regardless of what I believe about God and what he is able to do. I don’t think I have questioned it because I have always thought that believing the Bible means that I have to find a way to make it all fit in my mind, or just accept what I don’t understand (or believe, really) “by faith”. Well, when one makes the decision to lay all beliefs aside and build them back up one by one, it’s interesting when you don’t rebuild them in the same order they were taught to you. I haven’t dealt with what I believe about the Bible yet. So, my beliefs about it don’t get to dictate my beliefs about the stories it contains. So, here I am with a story I don’t believe that (to many Christians) is fundamental to whether or not one believes in Christ’s deity. I don’t necessarily see it that way. But it doesn’t matter at the moment, as I haven’t gotten to the deity of Christ anyway. I’m still working on how I believe he got here. I do believe he got here, by the way.

During a discussion about the virgin birth a cute 12 year old chimed in to offer his 2 cents ($20.00 in my book) to the conversation. He mentioned that the virgin birth that we were discussing isn’t the only time people of faith have believed that a deity has impregnated a mortal. He rattled off a list of Greek and Roman gods who have the same fame. I thought he made a brilliant point. What makes Christianity’s virgin, god-mortal birth any different than the Greek and Roman ones? Same mythology repeating itself? There was a time in Europe’s and America’s lovely Christian history when I would have been burned at the stake for such a suggestion. But you know, as well as most Christians can innumerate the atrocities done in the name of Allah, they seem to be completely oblivious to those done in the name of Christ. I don’t think that statement validates one faith or the other. It’s just an observation, just like the god-mortal pregnancy parallel.

I don’t have any more answers today than I did a month ago and I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t think this process will be a speedy one. I don’t want it to be. I have been inclined along the way to just give up and stick with the tried and true because it’s less exhausting than all of this. But I can’t go through the motions as a Christian any more. If I give up in this journey, I’ll give up and be nothing before I give up and return to my default just because it’s what I “know”. I was invited to a conference next weekend about making the church relevant to 20 and 30 somethings. I have read one book by one of the guys who’s speaking at the conference, Don Miller. It should be interesting, but I think I am going to feel like an outsider. I’m not so sure an outsider will have much to contribute to an internal discussion. Do I think I’m an outsider among Christians? No. But I think most Christians would think I am if they knew my questions and lack of conclusions to this point. It will be interesting to see how I feel in that space. There have been moments in this journey that have gripped me and convinced me of my faith in God. I’m wondering if the same will happen with regard to faith in Christ. We shall see. It should be interesting.

My brother is a musician. He was raised in church like I was, but he didn’t really start going to church as an adult regularly until between his marriages. Now, he’s still all of the musician he’s ever been, but he also plays at his very multi-cultural church. It’s interesting to see his talent cross genres. Last night I went to see a gospel music stage play he and a life-long friend of his produced. His friend wrote and directed the play, and my brother wrote and composed all of the music and is the music director. I was proud of both of them.

I had mixed feelings about going to see the play. Obviously, this is my brother, so of course I was going to go and support him. I love him to pieces. But I can’t stand gospel music stage plays. I feel, with everything in me, that if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. They appeal to an audience I have not been a part of in a very long time. An audience I don’t care to be a part of ever again. And then, at the same time, I worried that somehow being in this atmosphere again would make me feel guilty for choosing not to attend church at this point in my life. I doubted that it would go that way, but I wondered if I too would succumb to the emotional hooplah.

Part of my frustration with the church (and if I’m to be completely honest, this issue speaks to my frustration with the Black church in particular) is that I observe such a mindless, unintelligent following. I don’t mean to imply that the people who attend these churches are mindless and unintelligent, rather I use those terms to describe what I perceive to be their approach to participation in the church. I have a problem with anyone who behaves a certain way simply because it’s what’s expected in a particular place at a particular time. I am not one to clap because the minister says clap, or because the music cues a particular response. I’m not going to yell, “Hallelujah” because someone in the pulpit tells me to. And I certainly will not “get behind” a preacher who is yelling and whooping absurdities, just because he reaches the emotional high point of his sermon where this type of response is expected. Sometimes I wonder if the congregation is even listening to the words the preacher’s saying at all. Preachers say some pretty ridiculous things, even about what the Bible supposedly says. I am always amazed at the things folks in Black churches will sign on to and agree with without thinking about them first. I think it’s sad and detrimental. It perpetuates this blind following.

As much as I hope gospel music stage plays seek to parody this type of behavior, I usually notice a disconnect between the intention and the response of the audience. When I see a preacher in a gospel stage play whooping and hollering, dancing and shouting across the stage while he’s singing his sermon and rifting on every third word, I recognize the parody that it is. I think the majority of the audience recognizes it as such and laughs. It’s funny. He’s never saying anything particularly substantive or enlightening. Actually, he’s usually saying something quite absurd. But there’s always that core group of blind sheep who fall into step with the requisite audience/congregation response. Sometimes I think the audience is playing along with the parody, but just when I assume that, something happens to confirm that these folks are serious. It makes my blood boil. How can otherwise intelligent people be so programmed?

Last night was no exception. I like the play and I must say, my brother’s closing number was quite a hit. He’s released it as a single and I hope it does well, despite the fact that it stirs up more negative emotions in me than I can count. It basically says that “a family that prays together, stays together”. I’m not opposed to that sentiment necessarily, but I’m not at all convinced of it’s truth. The point of this post isn’t for me to dissect such a statement, so I won’t. Suffice it say though, that it’s this type of thing to which I refer when I say that I don’t think people really think about the church rhetoric they propagate. Rhetoric (religious or otherwise) is such an influential component of Black culture, for better or for worse, but I think we all have a responsibility to individually think through these things before jumping on a bandwagon. I think this song will do well because it’s familiar rhetoric. It’s catchy and there’s a whole market for that. I hope, for his sake, it sells well.

Maybe I think too much. I was notorious for refusing to sing quite a few worship songs and hymns because, in my opinion, the ideas were ridiculous. I can’t think of a single one at the moment. Ah, songs that says stuff like, “You’re all I need. Jesus, you’re all I need.”. Well, um, no. That’s not true. I need water and air and food and shelter and … you get my drift. In the same way, there are love songs with messages I abhor. Like Macy Gray’s I Try:

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I hate the sentiment of this song. I need you to be a little less codependent and be able to survive without him. And there are so many like this. Angie Stone is famous for them and I can add countless others. Now, do I refrain from listening to these songs or singing them and dancing around the house with my Zune when the come on? NO. They’re funky tunes and they’re fun to sing. When I’m jamming in my apartment I want to be mindless and unintelligent. I want to let my hair down and be able to jam to the song without paying all that much attention to the words. I require more from church. I just do. It’s supposed to be worship. I find it hard to worship someone I’m lying to at the same time. Maybe lying to someone is some folks’ way of worshiping. I guess it’s called flattery. I don’t know. It just doesn’t work for me.

So, I left the play unaffected. I was as certain as I’ve been for this last year or so, that church isn’t where I want to be right now. Not until I find a place that reinvents the idea in a more intelligent, non-rhetorical, non-programmatic, zombie-clone creating way.

I’ll let you know when I find it.

OK, here’s where I am today. It’s not eloquent. It’s a rant. So deal.

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who I believe will be a friend for life, unlike many “friends” I feel like I have lost as a result of many things, not the least of which is this journey I’m on to figure out what I believe. I’ve lost some friends as in gone forever, yep, it’s over, she’s nutz, lost; and I’ve lost others in the, we’ll stick around and just talk about safe topics because she’s off her rocker on the stuff that will save her soul from hell fire. To both groups of people I say, good riddance!! If anyone else would like to join the party, please jump on board post haste. The ship is sailing.

GOD in heaven forbid that I have chosen to think for my damn self with regard to what I believe!! I don’t understand why people, correction, Christian church-goers, get their drawers so up in a bunch over my struggle, my journey. I don’t care if you used to look up to me. I don’t care if I was the one who used to teach you. I don’t care if I have some amazing power to influence you. NEWS FLASH: I shouldn’t!!! Adults should think for themselves. Oh, wait. I forgot, that’s forbidden by the Church. No individual, free-thinkers allowed. Only absolute, zombie conformists. Only parrots who can quote the pastor and the Bible verbatim…never mind the fact that they have no clue what either meant by said quote.

I just got into this discussion about how I should be careful who I share my thoughts with because I wouldn’t want to “cause anybody to stumble”. Listen, if you ask me, “Lexi, what church do you go to these days?” and I respond, “I don’t go to church right now, I’m trying to figure out what I believe about all that. I’m sure about God, but church is up in the air for me,” and you respond by, say, dropping out of church to wander around aimlessly trying to figure out what you believe about church since that’s what’s Lexi’s doing, then you’re an idiot. I’m not responsible for your choice. Christian church-goers, pull up a chair. Listen closely. ADULTS HAVE BRAINS. They should use them. Should they chose to let their brain function lie dormant and be led around by sermons and books and people who express a dissenting opinion, without running these ideas though their thought factory, their resulting choices are NOT the fault of the person whose thoughts they have hijacked. ADULTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES. Geez, Louise!!!

Have I mentioned before that I am frustrated as hell that the church seems to be a place where everybody is expected to think the same way and be the same way? Well, if not, I just did. It makes me so angry. God didn’t make us all different for us to spend our lives trying to figure out how to UN-do his creativity and diversity. Give me a break!!! Be your own person, for the love of GOD!!! I am not responsible for YOU. There are about 15 people on the planet who need to get that through their heads.

Do you know what I love most about where I am. I have a chance to sit on my living room floor, buck naked if I want to, and try to figure out ME and God. Nobody else. I don’t have to be concerned about X and Y’s marriage, X’s infidelity, whether A and B are having pre-marital sex, whether or not C and D are going to tithe off of that huge bonus check C just raked in, whether in Bible study we need to focus on prayer lives (since D, E, F and G are struggling so much in that area), or if we should focus on gifts and callings (since H, I, J and K are ready to step up to walk in their calling). I’m so glad to have a relationship with God that has nothing to do with telling other people how to live their freaking lives. Does anybody else know what that feels like? What it looks like? If so, let me know. And give me the address to your church if, in fact, that’s where you learned to be so….I don’t know…..normal?

How about this? If I drink, curse, dance, decide not to be celibate, decide not to attend church or whatever the sin du jour is, SO WHAT??? My sins or lack thereof are between me and GOD. Guess what? I sinned when I was a pastor too!! NEWS FREAKIN’ FLASH!!! Don’t quote bible verses to me. I KNOW THEM ALL . I taught them to YOU. Release yourself of the need to worry about me. If you believe HALF of what you say you believe, I hope it’s the half that includes the fact that GOD is bigger than YOU and he is so much more capable of handling me than you are. LET. HIM. Return to the business of what color tie to wear on communion Sundays or some other world-changing shit. I’m sorry to curse on this blog, but I’m mad and God already heard mE curse on my other blogs, so too late.

I never wanted to use this blog to defend myself, so I hope to heaven that this is the last such post, but for the record….here is where I am:

I. BELIEVE.GOD. I haven’t turned my back on him or backslid [insert tongues and sarcasm]. I even hold the Bible in some regard (and yes, I’m still trying to figure out what that is), BUT (and I do mean a BUT as big as the one I sit upon) I think the Church has gotten TONS of what it says WRONG!!! I’m tired of feeling like I had to fit in a box that I knew had things, many things wrong with it, and worse, like I was responsible for cramming that down someone else’s throat. I won’t do it anymore and I.WON’T.GET.BACK.IN.THE.BOX just because it will make people more comfortable with me. If you’re uncomfortable with me, stop talking to me like the rest of them. I’ve decide I won’t miss you. The truth is I can’t. You weren’t my friend anyway, just the friend of the girl who tried to live in the box and play the part everybody would accept. Lexi is done with that. If you can handle Lexi, call me. If not, it’s been real.

Peace.

I had an interesting moment Friday night. It brought me to a place I haven’t been very frequently in the past year–to my knees. Let me see if I can explain it.

I was experiencing a tremendous amount of stress because I was feeling like I was at a place that required me to make some decisions and take action in a lot of different areas at once. My body has started to tell me when it’s done dealing with the high stress levels. This time I broke out in hives three nights in a row. The worst ones I’ve ever had. I still have skin peeling from where I was scratching uncontrollably, without even realizing it. I knew, on the way home from work Friday, that I had reached a breaking point. A limit. Something needed to be released.

I went home and did something I haven’t done since April. I picked up a journal and started writing about how I was feeling. I still don’t know what I wrote. I didn’t go back to read it. It was cathartic. I needed to get thoughts out to make room for me to process, and even pray.

I remember the last thoughts I wrote. They were about God. I expressed my frustration with not knowing what to expect from him. I am certain of God. If there’s anything I am sure I believe; I’m sure I believe in God. My thing is that my most personal, connected, intimate moments with him have nothing at all to do with what I’ve been taught a relationship with God looks like. They weren’t in a church, bible study or retreat. They didn’t involve the Bible, a sermon, a book, a devotional or Christian radio or tv.

These moments didn’t look or feel like anything anyone had ever said a moment with God should feel like. I was alone. I was usually surrounded by nature. I can describe my feelings generally as awestruck and humbled. I felt small in comparison to something incomprehensibly bigger than me, yet I felt significant and important. I felt like I had the attention of the universe. I’ve probably experienced feeling this connectedness a dozen or so times in my life, but they trump, by far, the sum total of my 30+ years of “experiences” with God in a church.

I was desperate on Friday night to feel connected to God again, yet something stood in the way. The relationship I’ve know with him all of my life was ridden with rules; finger-shaking; feeling obligated to take a position on something that can be interpreted in a multitude of ways and then teaching that position to others; feeling oppressed by the expectation that everyone should live their life this one certain way; and feeling like I needed to be someone other than myself to, at the very least, appear to be this one certain way. I needed God that night without all of this stuff that I feel is clogging and blocking a relationship with him. I needed God without books, without doctrines, without opinions and positions. I needed God without shoulds and shouldn’ts. I just needed to be me, completely me, before him– for better or for worse.

I lit candles, turned on India.Arie’s new CD, stretched out on the floor of my living room and cried my heart out. I felt like I was beginning, at least, to release much of the bitterness and anger I have for the church. I felt myself letting go of the pressure I put on myself to be what someone else thought I should be. I felt free to figure out my relationship with God on my terms in my time. I had questions. I needed answers. I had no idea how those answers would come to me. I wasn’t open to “hearing from the Lord”. But I needed guidance of some sort.

The words to this song assured me in some way that I am in a good place:

lyrics – i choose

When I finished “praying” there was a particular person I wanted to call. I called him. The conversation was the best we’ve had in years, in a way. I felt like there was progress and that there can be closure; and that the closure will still hurt if I’m honest with myself.

Then another friend called and helped me sort through one of the other decisions I was trying to make.

Then I got a call to go salsa dancing. All was right with the world. ;o)

No, seriously, I felt extremely serene. I felt ok with this journey again. I felt like I am still on track.

So, here’s where I am in this:

• I still can’t bring myself to go to church. It bothers me way too much, for so many reasons.
• I am learning everyday that we really don’t know very much at all.
• Believing requires conceding that you don’t know.
• I don’t like ignorant defensiveness. I don’t think you can vehemently defend something you’ve never challenged.

So, in all my challenging and not knowing, I absolutely broke down last night. This is very frustrating and I am angered by the temptations to simply “go with what you know.” That’s not good enough for me. It’s blind and lazy. I won’t be either.

I know that Christians are wrong about so much. I know that each Christian is an individual and that I can’t lump them all in one box. And I know that I’m going to spend some time talking to other people who believe very differently. I want to get an idea for how other people have come to what they hold as belief, as faith.

Other than that…I’m still here…in this journey.

That’s it. Just that question.

Any thoughts?